I Need New Friends

By Thomas Hubbard.  
Published on Monday, June 24, 2013

I’m supposed to be this Superman with great super powers, but have yet to find a league that will do me justice. Sure, the guys in my circle are marauders, but are none of them can even afford a mask! So at our monthly board meetings, I’m stuck looking at their long pathetic faces. Their expressions cry “save me” more than “let’s save the planet.” Simply put…I need new friends.

‘Cause Lord knows these blips aren’t cutting it! I’ve long outgrown them and need a new team. A group of people who are risk takers, movers and shakers. Businesspeople who form business groups—not group homes. Not a group of childhood friends who call business meetings they can’t afford. Waiting for me to buy a pitcher of beer so we can split it five ways.

I need new friends because the ones I have are REALLY down and out. They say things like Can’t do it this week, man, my pockets are hurting! Or, I’m trying to save every dollar I can. I vomit in my mouth when I see them coming. I know they are going to drain me, and that I will need several days just to recoup mentally.

And yet, they are my “friends” so I interact with them, and learn quickly that being broke is quite possibly the eighth deadly sin. No amount of encouragement or prayer can cure it. It’s a mental disorder in which folks squeeze the sh!t out of EVERY SINGLE DOLLAR they have, and make them believe they never have anything to contribute. They show up to dinner parties empty handed and make 3 or 4 to-go plates BEFORE they make their plate to eat. Their actions put everyone at risk of contracting the “Broke Disease”—even those with good paying jobs!

I need new friends – well-off ones!

For once, I’d like to know what it’s like to play golf and wager friendly bets of a thousand dollars or more! Or to hear “Tell you what, Thomas. Let’s meet at the bank first thing in the morning. I know of the perfect loan for this endeavor.” I’ve grown weary of small talk: Friends who say two words and lose their train of thought every time a chick with a nice ass passes by. I’m sick of loaning Batman five dollars every month so he can gas up his Bat Mobile and attend our monthly board meetings.

And then there’s the Sandman (who’s actually Aquaman, but hasn’t paid his water bill in the last three months). Always full of dreams and great prophetic words! I just knew in my heart that despite everything else, he could still part the Red Sea.

Instead, he grabbed the pitcher of beer and parted it among the thirsty individuals sitting around the table. Some business meeting this gonna be! Don’t lose heart, Superman. Someday you will find your Justice League and save the planet as you always dreamed.

This is your Monday Unleaded for the week of June 23, 2013. Have a productive week!

Song of the Week

Friends – Whodini


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